"What does it Matter?"

The question always presents at the beginning of any undertaking… “What does it matter?”  OR  “Will anyone care?” OR  “Will I even care??” once I get started?”  All good questions I supposed and the rabbit hole of each of them is deep and tricky and can often keep us from even beginning. 

I had a day of that earlier this week.  I was plagued with the terribly paralyzing feeling that  “none of this matters.”  So then, that day, being with the question of “what is trying to emerge or birth through me?” (A question I love to ask myself and my clients) was coming right up against the thoughts of “I don’t know dammit but whatever it is can crawl right back up in there cuz ultimately it probably doesn’t MATTER anyway!”

“Wow!” I thought.  “That thought is mad.  Interesting!  Is it right?”  I like to listen to anything anyone says including myself as if everything they are saying is absolutely true.  Mostly I do that because every thing we say we DO make true.  We create our reality by what we think and say so if that is one of my angry and emotional thoughts then I want to really investigate it to find out if its true.  Cuz if its true… If I really believe its true…. Then reality goes one direction.  And that’s fine.  It will be the new way of it.  But if I investigate it and find out it’s NOT true, then the potential for transformation of that insistent, paralyzing thought pattern is tremendous. 

I’m not sure I decided to move ahead with the debunking of the thought but somewhere in me an agreement took place to slay the dragon and go into the darkness.  Suddenly nothing mattered.  I had taken on the filter of that perception and it was undeniably good at building its case.  For the whole of a day I couldn’t see a good reason to continue living.  I saw all things and everything through the chosen filter of “It doesn’t matter.”  I talked, I wrote, I processed, I showered, I walked the dogs, I stared at walls, I meditated, I cried and I processed my way to total exhaustion. 

Later in the evening on the phone with a sweet friend there was a break in the conversation and she said, “Wasn’t out waiter sweet yesterday?”  Suddenly I was struck by the sweetness of the waiter.  I was struck that she had noticed that sweetness and that that that 2 seconds had had an impact on her.  Then I was struck with the thought that I would NEVER be anything other then kind to a waiter or anyone for that matter, especially after having waited tables for a number of years in the past!  Then I thought, “Well that’s interesting, Jenny. If it doesn’t matter, then why NOT be unkind to the waiter or to anyone else for that matter!?” 

And there it was.  The challenge.  The rumble.  And then the floodgates.

“Why not?? Why NOT?!  BECAUSE IT MATTERS!  BECAUSE WHAT WE DO MATTERS.  EVERY THOUGHT, EVERY ACTION, EVERY LITTLE THING HAS IMPLICATIONS FOR MORE SUFFERING OR MORE JOY IN THE WHOLE OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!  I WANT TO BE FOR THE JOY!” 

And there it was.  What I really believed rang through load and clear.  I had debunked my own bad thinking, brought in the big guns of my angel self, crinkled my nose at the paralyzing thought, and dematerialized the bonds of the thing that had held me hostage all day (and for a lifetime for that matter!) Within the course of a few seconds my whole inner and outer world view had shifted.  It was quite miraculous! 

And who was back-up for my angel self in this inner scene?  The waiter of course (who’s 2 seconds of sweetness mattered quite a bit it would seem), and my friend certainly, and everyone who ever wanted to stand up to such a thought and really see it blown away.     Everyone who ever wanted to be free in anyWAY from anyTHING was with me.  I was with them and they with me.  My freedom is everyone’s freedom and I therefore had the whole of the universe as backup.  That’s how connected I AM.  That’s how much I matter. 

That’s how much you matter too!  So do your thing today!  Get started in any small way that you do.  Do it for all of us.  We need you.

Nameste, Thank you, and Bless you~

~Jenny